New Beginnings

December 2, 2004

my name is marcel and i am an addict. i relapsed. for the last 4-6 weeks, ive been on a binge, smoking weed like its free. in that month, i gave back everything that i worked so hard to gain over the past year. i gave back my clean time (which really wasnt a long period of time, maybe 40 days but it was 40 days that i had to fight for tooth and nail). i smoked more weed this past month than i have the entire year, which for me is a true accomplishment, but its only the beginning of a path that i desperately need to walk.

it took me almost 5 years to quit smoking cigarettes, but i was able to do that, it took me 1 night to quit drinking, i got a DUI and went to jail, but the weed, the weed is something entirely different, it is more than just a drug to me, it is my way of life.

so tonight, i picked up another white chip, also known as the relapse chip, and im going to make another go at staying clean, anyone can get clean but staying clean is the hard part. at the meeting tonight, i heard alot of good stuff, words that struck me like an arrow. at the end of the meeting, i got the ass with some of the group, but there is one person in particular that basically gets the brunt of it. he came up to me and said "the next time you go out and use, you should give me your books since you wont need them anymore", i shoved my books at him, told him to keep them and i walked out, screw him, my new philosophy is "f#%k 'em in a trash can if they cant take a joke".

so i now have 1 day clean time. i will pray for my Higher Power to grant me the wisdom to accept the things that i cannot change, the courage to change the things that i can, and the wisdom to know the difference.