Sunday, May 08, 2005

Life is Good

My name is Marcel, and I am an addict. Last night was an awesomely good meeting. The meetings last for 90 minutes, and in those 90 minutes I got to hear how other peoples addictions are manifesting in their lives after 10+ years clean. At the end of the meeting, I felt inspired. It is a beautiful feeling. So at the end, we hug each other, and I was hugging people too. I have since learned that I go to meetings to help me, not to see what Johnny and Sue are doing. I walked up to an old-timer who is coming up on 18 years, to tell him that I appreciate what he said and that he touches my heart and my mind on a regular basis. He is an extremely powerful and charismatic speaker. This is where it gets really good. He started sharing more of his experience, strength, and hope with me.
For another 90 minutes, this old timer, one of the people he sponsors, and her nephew sat in a mini-circle and had another meeting. The other person he sponsors plays a major role in my recovery, i have nothing but the utmost highest respect, love, and admiration for her. I heard something last night in that meeting after the meeting that made me want to cry. I was told that if I really want a better life, if I want the peace and serenity that my role model has, I have to change. The reason this made me want to cry is because not only am I a human being who instinctively resists change, I am an addict. I thought that I had made changes, enough changes. As a matter of fact, the changes that I have made so far, I kicked and screamed the entire way. But they aren't enough. What I heard in that second 90 minutes was directed specifically at me. It is a beautiful thing to have someone take special interest in me and take me under their wing so to speak.
I have a sponsor and my sponsor is really really good. He is the first person that made me feel welcome and at home in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous. My sponsor has 3 years of clean time. I am able to relate to him on virtually every level. The only difference that I am aware of between him and I is the drug of choice that he used. He guides me on a daily basis and steers me in my recovery. I owe him more than a simple thank you. But in this program, the only way it works is if we freely give back what we have been so freely given. I can't wait to talk to him and tell him about last night. My name is Marcel, and I am an addict.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

my recovery is going strong

my clean date is December 2, 2004. tomorrow i will have 5 months clean. in the last 5 months i have had more major life changes happen to me than in the last 5 years of my using. my girlfriend and i have seperated and are steadily growing further and further apart. she has caused and still causes me an extreme amount of pain and suffering, but today i feel that im not a bad person and i no longer have to submit to her abuse. i do deserve better!! im still writing on the first step, about my powerlessness and unmanagability, and i have come to learn more about myself than i really wanted to know. i guess ignorance really is bliss. im feeling good about my recovery, today, i feel that i have something to give back to the newcomer. my name is marcel and i am an addict.

Friday, December 03, 2004

New Beginnings

December 2, 2004

my name is marcel and i am an addict. i relapsed. for the last 4-6 weeks, ive been on a binge, smoking weed like its free. in that month, i gave back everything that i worked so hard to gain over the past year. i gave back my clean time (which really wasnt a long period of time, maybe 40 days but it was 40 days that i had to fight for tooth and nail). i smoked more weed this past month than i have the entire year, which for me is a true accomplishment, but its only the beginning of a path that i desperately need to walk.

it took me almost 5 years to quit smoking cigarettes, but i was able to do that, it took me 1 night to quit drinking, i got a DUI and went to jail, but the weed, the weed is something entirely different, it is more than just a drug to me, it is my way of life.

so tonight, i picked up another white chip, also known as the relapse chip, and im going to make another go at staying clean, anyone can get clean but staying clean is the hard part. at the meeting tonight, i heard alot of good stuff, words that struck me like an arrow. at the end of the meeting, i got the ass with some of the group, but there is one person in particular that basically gets the brunt of it. he came up to me and said "the next time you go out and use, you should give me your books since you wont need them anymore", i shoved my books at him, told him to keep them and i walked out, screw him, my new philosophy is "f#%k 'em in a trash can if they cant take a joke".

so i now have 1 day clean time. i will pray for my Higher Power to grant me the wisdom to accept the things that i cannot change, the courage to change the things that i can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

My name is marcel and i am an addict.

My name is marcel, and i am an addict. im single, 33, never been married and i have no kids. ive been using drugs for almost 20 years until sept 2003, when i joined the NA program. this is my story.